A few weeks ago I emailed a woman who writes for a magazine I also write for to tell her how much I like and appreciate her writing, acting on a prompting I first felt months earlier. She wrote back saying she’d had the same prompting to write to me, but hadn’t yet gotten to it!
Our email exchanges have been heartwarming and rich. Yesterday I wrote her a long email that included this:
“it’s such a trip how there’s a freaky little payoff when I don’t get what I want and can linger in pity and dwelling on the shit. so much so that when I do get I want a part of me doesn’t trust it or at least feels wronged that I no longer have a reason to sulk. man how’d that little devil of a pattern/emotional addiction get formed? There ARE ‘more tears shed for answered prayers than unanswered ones’ indeed!”
This afternoon on my lunch break I sat at a playground near my office and ate a scrumptious serving of yellow curry over brown rice reflecting further on “the freaky little payoff.”
It seems like each time I think I’ve got this self love thing together, the onion grows another layer for me to peel back and examine. What I found under this new layer of the onion surprised me: unconsciously there’s a belief that I don’t deserve to be in a reciprocal relationship with someone that includes another taking care of me. What I do deserve, the belief continues, is to be in an endless stream of friendships and romantic encounters where I am the Mama Cancer caretaker, giving and giving, silently waiting in Passive Aggressive Land for something, someone to reach back.
Funny isn’t it? I do love and appreciate myself deeply, spend a lot of time tending to my care, identifying my needs and moving towards getting them met. Recently on my birthday a friend even thanked me for how much I’ve taught her about self love! Yet until today I just didn’t realize how deep the river of this unconscious pattern around deservedness runs in my being.
So today instead of pining away for the love interest who lives a hyper-busy life that often means it takes her days to return calls, I’m saying yes to the love interest who is ready to welcome me, cook me dinner, and celebrate who I am now. It feels pretty scary and unfamiliar to make this choice, but what urges me on is the knowledge that this potent pattern moving from an unconscious to a conscious place in my mind means it is being uprooted and transformed in real time.
The truth is I do deserve to have a variety of relationships with other beings that are reciprocal, loving, nourishing, and enlightening. I deserve the shelter of being seen and celebrated by a delightfully observant and attentive other.
There’s a New Moon in Cancer (shoutouts to all my fellow Cancerians!) early this Saturday (7.14.07) morning. Now is a good time to check in with what you are believing you deserve and set your intentions accordingly. This Friday night I’ll be lighting a yellow candle and practicing a ritual to bring more Love and Sweetness into my life. What will you be calling forth?
Meditation: Take out something to write with and put down the phrase, “what I really deserve is…” Go for 10 minutes and don’t let your pen stop. If you can’t think of anything to say just write “what I really deserve is” over and over again until your mind lands on something else. When the time is up, read what you wrote aloud and exhale deeply three times at the end to fully release the words from your being. Take another ten minutes to sit quietly and observe the affect of this exercise on the inner landscape.
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