I am actually not curious right now. I am anxious, apathetic, and eating chocolate icing from leftover Christmas cake as I resign to die slowly watching 16 hours of television a day until my brain atrophies.
I’m tired of asking questions. I want answers.
It was so gratifying to stomp on the cement porch of a friend the other day. It was solid and unbreakable under my paltry human weight. I jumped and jumped pretending to crush precious objects under my feet.
Life seems to go like this: there are peaks and valleys and in between there are plateaus. Repeat and rewind a million times and you have a human life.
My mother seems to have received an Oracle From The Prophet commanding that she share her every opinion about my life with me. Today I told her for the first time that she might want to consider keeping her unsolicited opinions to herself every once in a while. (You know, just for fun.)
Last night I drove to visit friends I met in Paris who now live in Branford, CT and we had a lovely dinner of chicken risotto and red wine. Afterward I bought American Spirit tobacco at the gas station just off Interstate 95. Then I rolled and smoked my first cigarette. Things I never thought would happen are happening all the time. Things I thought would happen by now are not happening at all.
Why anticipate the future and wait for an illusive later to become now? Who am I? Who am I right now this very moment? I am a creative and complex being who sometimes remembers she is held by something larger than herself. I have a body. I have breath. I have energy. I have a variety of internal and external resources. How do I want to use this human life?
I want to ride those peaks as they turn into valleys and rise again to plateaus. More and more I want what is happening now more than I want what happened or what could happen someday. Happy Now Year friends. This moment might just be enough.
Writing Prompt:Take one of your ‘up’ questions right now and answer it as if you were an expert on your life. You actually are. As usual, don’t think about it too much. Just get your pen moving across the page. Happy Now Year!
Text and images by Beandrea Terese Davis. Copyright 2009. Check with author before reprinting.