I deserve a knockout partner.
Wide awake on a Friday night, I wrote this affirmation after a couple of hours of reading a Tarot book in bed. I discovered this is my Emperor year.
What had gotten me through the latest dispatch of disappointment about dating was having a conscious realization of an unconscious belief: I don’t deserve to date someone great.
Last summer I asked people I trust to give me written feedback about the strengths and weaknesses they see in me. When a friend wrote “You don’t think you are good enough” I instantly felt resistant and angry. ‘Oh she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I’m the queen of self care.’ I dismissed her words as error.
A year later, in that scintillating period between post-first date excitement and the antsy anticipation of a second, I was finally able to connect with the clear mirror my friend’s words had provided.
“You seem cool, but…” I stopped listening to the words of this person I kept telling myself I was so interested in dating, and listened to the churning repulsion in my belly instead. I actually felt how grossed out I was at attracting emotionally unavailable people.
Then, a moment later, something shifted. I heard myself say “Let me go home and freshen up my personal ad online.” I heard the voice that always says ‘it’s hopeless’ and I re-posted my ad anyway. I also completed my profile on an online dating site recommended by the same wise friend mentioned earlier. Without pushing away the disappointment and sadness about how slow change seems to happen, I decided to give thanks that I was seeing things more clearly than ever before.
Over the weekend I went on a date that literally left me breathless. We drank tea, had rich, juicy conversation, laughed, walked in nature, window-shopped. When we said goodbye after spending the day together, we both agreed: this was the best date we’d ever been on. I felt like Rumi when he prayed for ‘a companion with the same level of attainment,’ and then god sent Kabir. When I laid in my bed that night my cells were literally buzzing with energy. I noticed I didn’t feel the usual impatience or urgency. Instead I felt trust. I felt joy. I was present to the sweetness of connection, of being met and received by someone with whom I shared a reality.
No matter what becomes of this new connection, there is such satisfaction in consciously knowing I deserve to have this sweetness, this joy, and that I allowed myself to receive it. And what is even more exciting is I’m actually enjoying the process of dating, rather than focusing entirely on the end result of attracting a partner.
The word ‘deserve’ comes from the Latin deservire, which means ‘to serve zealously.’ I am learning that allowing myself to claim and have what I want is actually in service to Life. Following my joy with zeal is useful.
If you made it here to Earth and you are still breathing, you are enough for this life you are living. End of story. Being de-serving, feeling that you are enough means being someone who is completely of service to Life. You are supposed to claim and have what you want. Whether or not you remember, that is your birthright. So today salute the flag of your joy and let it wave in the wind for all to see.
Meditation: Breathing in and out of the nose, take a few slow breaths that reach down into the belly. Notice what stays with you from taking in these words. Write in a journal, do some movement, or sit/lie down in quiet contemplation of the following: Do you know what you want? Can you conceive of having it? Why? Why not? At the end of your meditation, write an affirmation proclaims the existence of what you want as if it is already so and post it somewhere you will routinely see it.
Copyright 2008. Beandrea Davis. Reprinting without permission prohibited.